Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."









Bush's Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"










The President Sucks

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analyzed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."









Bush and Matzo Balls

Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.

At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep! 's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth.

He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the Matzo, or just the balls?"










Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.










George W. Bush's First 100 Days In Office

January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what he's wearing under that dress.

January 23: Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.

January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.

January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face, Poindexter!

January 31: Get people working on stuff.

February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans together.

February 4: Bring peanut butter and chocolate together.

February 5: Unite North, South Dakota; North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.

February 7: Get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don't tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.

February 9: Change pitch and tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.

February 12: Replace Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.

February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet position, possibly Secretary of My Asshole.

February 20: Invite NRA executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.

March 1-March 31: Halftime!

April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden: daisies?

April 7: Give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.

April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park, the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.

April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito of Japan. Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.

April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.

April 18: Try Oval Office fellatio (once or twice; what's the harm?).










Bush v. Gore

In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details...

The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.








Barbara Bush's Most Embarrassing Moment

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Doh!

Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Bushisms 1

"I think — tide turning — see, as I remember — I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of — it's easy to see a tide turn — did I say those words?" —George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touché.
—An exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"I tell people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it." —George W. Bush, Omaha, Neb., June 7, 2006

"Trying to stop suiciders — which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion — is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 24, 2006

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." —George W. Bush, on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." —George W. Bush, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three — three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" —George W. Bush, while showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"Finally, the desk, where we'll have our picture taken in front of -- is nine other Presidents used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door." —George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's called, A Charge To Keep, based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion." —George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2006

"I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." —George W. Bush, Irvine, Calif., April 24, 2006

"I aim to be a competitive nation." —George W. Bush, San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006 (Listen to audio clip; Watch video clip)

"I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it — I'm going to repeat what I said before — I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." —George W. Bush, Charlotte, N.C., April 6, 2006

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 22, 2006

"If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." —George W. Bush, Washington D.C., March 21, 2006

"After the bombing, most Iraqis saw what the perpetuators of this attack were trying to do." —George W. Bush, on the bombing of the Golden Mosque of Samarra in Iraq, March 13, 2006, Washington, D.C.

"And so I'm for medical liability at the federal level." —George W. Bush, on medical liability reform, Washington, D.C., March 10, 2006

"I believe that a prosperous, democratic Pakistan will be a steadfast partner for America, a peaceful neighbor for India, and a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world." —George W. Bush, mistakenly identifying Pakistan as an Arab country, Islamabad, Pakistan, March 3, 2006

"People don't need to worry about security. This deal wouldn't go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America." —George W. Bush, on the deal to hand over U.S. port security to a company operated by the United Arab Emirates, Washington, D.C., Feb. 23, 2006

"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company." —George W. Bush, defending a plan to allow a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates to manage ports in the United States, aboard Air Force One, Feb. 21, 2006

"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to—the beauty of playing baseball." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 13, 2006

"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." —George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006

"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror." —George W. Bush, on Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie. I've heard about it. I hope you go — you know — I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." —George W. Bush, after being asked whether he's seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"It's a heck of a place to bring your family." —George W. Bush, on New Orleans, New Orleans, La., Jan. 12, 2006

"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." —George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself — not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." —George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006

"[I]t's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that." —George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Pa., Dec. 12, 2005

"I mean, there was a serious international effort to say to Saddam Hussein, you're a threat. And the 9/11 attacks extenuated that threat, as far as I-concerned." —George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005

"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome." —George W. Bush, defending Vice President Dick Cheney's pre-war assertion that the United States would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators, NBC Nightly News interview, Dec. 12, 2005

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." —George W. Bush, Tucson, Ariz., Nov. 28, 2005

"As a matter of fact, I know relations between our governments is good." —George W. Bush, on U.S.-South Korean relations, Washington D.C., Nov. 8, 2005

"Wow! Brazil is big." —George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

"Bin Laden says his own role is to tell Muslims, quote, 'what is good for them and what is not.'" —George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Oct. 6, 2005

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"I think it's important to bring somebody from outside the system, the judicial system, somebody that hasn't been on the bench and, therefore, there's not a lot of opinions for people to look at." —George W. Bush, on the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, Washington, D.C., October 4, 2005

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." —George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss., Sept. 20, 2005

"If it were to rain a lot, there is concern from the Army Corps of Engineers that the levees might break. And so, therefore, we're cautious about encouraging people to return at this moment of history." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2005

"Listen, I want to thank leaders of the — in the faith — faith-based and community-based community for being here." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 6, 2005

"So please give cash money to organizations that are directly involved in helping save lives — save the life who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina." —George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Sept. 6, 2005

"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." —George W. Bush, Poplarville, Miss., Sept. 5, 2005

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." —George W. Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his job performance, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005 (Listen to audio; read more stupid quotes about Hurricane Katrina)

"We've got a lot of rebuilding to do. First, we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. And then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch." (Laughter) --George W. Bush, touring hurricane damage, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

"My thoughts are, we're going to get somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to rebuilding cities." —George W. Bush, on rebuilding New Orleans, Biloxi, Miss., Sept. 2, 2005

"Americans should be prudent in their use of energy during the course of the next few weeks. Don't buy gas if you don't need it." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 1, 2005

"It's totally wiped out. ... It's devastating, it's got to be doubly devastating on the ground." —George W. Bush, turning to his aides while surveying Hurricane Katrina flood damage from Air Force One , Aug. 31, 2005

"The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it." —George W. Bush, on the probe into how CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity was leaked, Washington D.C., July 18, 2005

"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." —George W. Bush, on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005

"I was going to say he's a piece of work, but that might not translate too well. Is that all right, if I call you a 'piece of work'?" —George W. Bush to Jean-Claude Juncker, prime minister of Luxembourg, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

"The relations with, uhh — Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh — because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know — European values, they're universal values. And those values — uhh — being universal, ought to be applied everywhere." —George W. Bush, at a press conference with European Union dignitaries, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

"You see, not only did the attacks help accelerate a recession, the attacks reminded us that we are at war." —George W. Bush, on the Sept. 11 attacks, Washington, D.C., June 8, 2005

"And the second way to defeat the terrorists is to spread freedom. You see, the best way to defeat a society that is — doesn't have hope, a society where people become so angry they're willing to become suiciders, is to spread freedom, is to spread democracy." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 8, 2005

"It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of — and the allegations — by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble — that means not tell the truth." —George W. Bush, on an Amnesty International report on prisoner abuse at Guantanamo Bay, Washington, D.C., May 31, 2005 (Listen to audio)

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." —George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Listen to audio)

"We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow." —George W. Bush, Tbilisi, Georgia, May 10, 2005

"I think younger workers — first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government — promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2005

"It means your own money would grow better than that which the government can make it grow. And that's important." —George W. Bush, on what private accounts could do for Social Security funds, Falls Church, Va., April 29, 2005

"I can only speak to myself." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"We expect the states to show us whether or not we're achieving simple objectives — like literacy, literacy in math, the ability to read and write." —George W. Bush, on federal education requirements, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"He understands the need for a timely write of the constitution." —George W. Bush, on Prime Minister Iyad Allawi of Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"Well, we've made the decision to defeat the terrorists abroad so we don't have to face them here at home. And when you engage the terrorists abroad, it causes activity and action." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"But Iraq has — have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"I appreciate my love for Laura." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 20, 2005

"We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 20, 2005

"Part of the facts is understanding we have a problem, and part of the facts is what you're going to do about it." —George W. Bush, Kirtland, Ohio, April 15, 2005

"I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me." —George W. Bush, Washington D.C., April 14, 2005

"We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make — it would hope — put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 14, 2005

"I want to thank you for the importance that you've shown for education and literacy." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2005

"I understand there's a suspicion that we—we're too security-conscience." —George W. Bush, Washington D.C., April 14, 2005

"If they pre-decease or die early, there's an asset base to be able to pass on to a loved one." —George W. Bush, on Social Security money held in private accounts, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, March 30, 2005

[I'm] occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'" —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"In terms of timetables, as quickly as possible — whatever that means." —George W. Bush, on his time frame for shoring up Social Security, Washington D.C., March 16, 2005

"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect when you run for office. Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know, I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's -- I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes, or making sure you got bread on the table." —George W. Bush, on elections in the Middle East, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"I repeat, personal accounts do not permanently fix the solution." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." —George W. Bush, Brussels, Belgium, Feb. 22, 2005

"If you're a younger person, you ought to be asking members of Congress and the United States Senate and the president what you intend to do about it. If you see a train wreck coming, you ought to be saying, what are you going to do about it, Mr. Congressman, or Madam Congressman?" —George W. Bush, Detroit, Mich., Feb. 8, 2005

"Because the — all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the — like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate — the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those — if that growth is affected, it will help on the red." —George W. Bush, explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —George W. Bush, to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 (Listen to audio)

"After all, Europe is America's closest ally." —George W. Bush, Mainz, Germany, Feb. 23, 2005

"Because he's hiding." —George W. Bush, responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape, or form should a human being, play God." —George W. Bush, ABC's 20/20, Washington D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

"I want to appreciate those of you who wear our nation's uniform for your sacrifice." —George W. Bush, Jacksonville, Fla., Jan. 14, 2005

"I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret, something." —George W. Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

"Who could have possibly envisioned an erection — an election in Iraq at this point in history?" —George W. Bush, at the white House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005

"We need to apply 21st-century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our medical records put on the I.T." —George W. Bush, Collinsville, Ill., Jan. 5, 2005

"I believe we are called to do the hard work to make our communities and quality of life a better place." —George W. Bush, Collinsville, Ill., Jan. 5, 2005

Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Bush's White House Tour

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Bush's Urgent & Confidential Business Proposal

URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring Islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,

George Walker Bush

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov

Source: This parody of the ubiquitous Nigerian scam letter was written by Zoltan Grossman

Bush's Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Bush's Psalm

"Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party's sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever."

Bush's Propaganda Tour

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

Bush v. Gore

In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details...

The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.

Bush the Post Turtle

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

Bush Solves a Puzzle

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

Bush Plays God

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Bush Light Bulb Joke

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Bush Goes For A Jog

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Bush Country

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Bush and Saddam

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.

A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much else but say "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. Asthe 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the American's revenge.

They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.

A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

Bush and Powell Plan World War III

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

Bush and Matzo Balls

Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.

At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep! 's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth.

He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the Matzo, or just the balls?"

Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2004 Campaign

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough

Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!

Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!

George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There

George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency

Don't think. Vote Bush!

More Trees, Less Bush

It Takes a Village Idiot

One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)

Bring Back Monica Lewinsky

Battle Hymn of the Republicans

Mine Eyes have seen the bungling of that stumbling moron Bush;
He has blathered all the drivel that the neo-cons can push;
He has lost sight of all reason 'cause his head is up his tush;
The Doofus marches on.

I have heard him butcher syntax like a kindergarten fool;
There is warranted suspicion that he never went to school;
Should we fault him for the policies -- or is he just their tool?
The lies keep piling on.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
His wreckage will live on.

I have seen him cut the taxes of the billionaires' lone heir;
As he spends another zillion on an aircraft carrier;
Let the smokestacks keep polluting -- do we really need clean air?
The surplus is now gone.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Your safety net is gone!

Now he's got a mighty hankerin' to bomb a prostrate state;
Though the whole world knows its crazy -- and the U.N. says to wait;
When he doesn't have the evidence, "We must prevaricate."
Diplomacy is done!

Oh, a trumped-up war is excellent; we have no moral bounds;
Should the reasons be disputed, we'll just make up other grounds;
Enraging several billions -- to his brainlessness redounds;
The Doofus marches on!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
THIS...DOO...FUS...MAR...CHES...ON

Barbara Bush's Most Embarrassing Moment

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Doh!

Artificial Intelligence

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

A Moral Dilemma

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is -- it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

A Medical Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive symptoms of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only few years ago in a Texas Bush.

25 Things To Do BEFORE the Saddam Inauguration:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.

2. Have coffee with your gay friends in a public place.

3. Cash a Social Security check.

4. See a doctor of your own choosing.

5. Spend quality time with your draft-age child/grandchild.

6. Visit Syria (or any foreign country, for that matter).

7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.

8. Hoard gasoline.

9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, etc.

10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix...do it now.

11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.

12. Stay out late before the curfews start.

13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".

14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.

15. Use the phrase "you can't do that - this is America".

16. Take a walk in Yosemite without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.

17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.

18. Start your school day without being forced to pray.

19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.

20. Learn French.

21. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.

22. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.

23. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.

24. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".

25. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.

Very Large Toilet

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

Smelling What You Eat

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Skydiving Blind

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Non-seeing Eye Dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

No Dogs Allowed

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Story Helen Keller Jokes

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller's face burnt?
A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.

Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. she needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?
A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?
A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What's this (slowly waving fingers)?
A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?
A: The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't
scream for help.

Q: How come Helen Keller can't have kids??
A: Because she's DEAD!

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What did HK's parent's do to punish her?
A1: Rearranged the furniture
A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl
A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.
A4: Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the corner
A5: Washed her hands out with soap
A6: Gave her bird-seed to read.
A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
A1: She's a woman.
A2: She's dead.

Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?
A: Trying to read stop signs.

Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face?
A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What's the name of Helen Keller's favorite book?
A: "Around the block in 80 Days"

Q: Define true love.
A: Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?
A: One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
A: Answering the stapler.

Q: How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
A: They made her wear mittens.

Q: Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
A: So she could always find him.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear

Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
A: She shouted histerically.

Have Done By Smell

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

I want to Browsing

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Blinds Man

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked INTO a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked INTO the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

Halloween Costumes

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom and laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party." By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items.

One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie, and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!

Gotta Stop for Black Men

There are 3 guys. A jew, mexican, and a black man. These 3 guys were in the middle of nowhere and were stranded with no way of transportation to get to town. Well, they thought of this idea to have one of them lay down in the middle of the road and figured a car would stop and they would have a ride. So, the jew went and laid in the road. A car came and thump thump, ran him right over. Ah man, it didn't work, but its gotta. You try it. The mexican went out on the road and a car came and thump thump, ran him right over. Dangn't, this is such a good idea, they gotta stop for a black man. So the black man went out on the road and car came. Thump thump, errrrrt, reerrrrrr thump thump, thump thump, thump thump.

Heart Transplant

An old Souther planter goes into the hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to require a heart transplant.

"Well, doctor," drawls the planter, "you'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a black man."

When he comes out of the anaesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. "Cal," he says, "I got to use a black man's heart." Cal pales. "But the good news is: your dick is three inches longer.

Ghetto Test

If the statement is true add the points in parenthesis to your score.
Scoring is given at the bottom of the test.

1. You've ever used an album cover or old envelope for a dustpan. (5 points)
2. You've ever put foil on your TV antennas to get better reception. (8 points)
3. You've ever had to use pliers to turn your TV on. (7points)
4. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. (6 points)
5. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady)
6. If you can count more than five police cars in your neighborhood on a daily basis. (3 points)
7. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each)
8. If you've ever been beaten with an extension cord. (15 points)
9. If you have ever had to walk to or home from school. (2 points)
10. If you've ever passed someone a note asking "Do you like me?" or "Can I have a chance?" check _yes, _no or _maybe. (7 points)
11. If you have ever used dish washing liquid for bubble bath. (9points)
12. If you have ever mixed up some Kool-Aid and the found that you didn't have any sugar. (4 points & add 4 if you put the pitcher in the refrigerator until you got some sugar)
13. If you have ever played any of the following games. (2 points each): (hide and go seek, freeze tag, captain or momma may I?, or red light..yellow light..green light 123!)
14. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell + 5 if he played R&B)
15. If you remember any of the following candies. (1 point each): cherry clans, lemon heads, Alexander the grape, ring pops, Chico sticks, baked beans, candy cigarettes, powder packs with the white dip stick, big league chew, "Wine" Candy (jolly ranchers), jaw breakers, and candy necklaces.
16. If you refer to Now and Laters candies as "Nighladers". (6 points)
17. If you've ever ran from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away)
18. If you remember underoos or the Wonder Woman bra and panty set. (6 points + 4 if you owned some)
19. If you've ever had reusable grease in a container on your stove. (5 points)
20. The batteries in your remote control are held in by a piece of tape. (5 points)
21. If you've ever used any of the following for drinking glasses. (3 points each): jelly jars, mayonnaise jars, mason jars, or peanut butter jars.
22. You've ever covered your furniture in plastic. (2 points)
23. The heels of your feet have ever looked like you had been kicking flour. (1point)
24. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances. (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge'.
25. You've ever used Tussy. (9 points)
26. You've never been to the dentist. (10 points + 10 if you've never been to the doctor.)
27. You've ever wore clothes with the tag still on them. (4 points)
28. If you're acquainted with someone with a name as follows. (3 points): Kay-Kay, Lee-Lee, Ree-Ree, Ray-Ray, etc.
29. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points)
30. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points)
31. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc). (3 points)
32. You pronounce words like this (1 point for each example you can think of skrimps or strimps, skreet, axe (ask), member (remember), frigerator, etc.
33. You use nem' to describe a certain group of people (for example Craig and nem' or momma and nem'). (6 points)
34. You've ever had a crack across your windshield and never bothered to get it fixed. (3 points)
35. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (4 points)
36. You've ever asked a perfect stranger to take a picture with you and told your friends it was someone you dated. (3 points)
37. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (7 points)
38. If you've ever ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately 11 at night. (10 points)
39. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (1 point)
40. You leave a restaurant with silverware, sugar, and/or jelly. (8 points)
41. You think "red" is a flavor of Kool-Aid. (4 points)
42. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (3 points)
43. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (8 points)
44. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (5 points)
45. If you've ever had to get to the driver's side of the car through the passenger side door. (8 points)
46. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (7 points)
47. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?" (10 points)
48. You won't answer the phone if you don't recognize the number on the caller id box. (7 points)
49. You know a child who can't speak, but can do the "bank-head bounce." (15 points)
50. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points)

Scoring
0 - 30 - You have enjoyed a nice sheltered life in the suburbs.
31 - 60 - Hood movies have given you a little exposure.
61 - 100 - You may have visited the hood a few times or on weekends.
101 - 130 - You probably spent a few years in the hood, and moved to the suburbs.
131 - 160 - You're the genuine article. You are no stranger to hood life.
161 - 200 - You are definitely, without a doubt an expert on life in the hood.
201+ - Congratulations! You are Ghetto Fabulous!

It is hard being black.

It is hard being black. We get the bad end of the deal with every sport. Hockey your slappin a black puck around. Pool you have a white ball trying to knock you in a hole. The only thing we have is bowling, where you have a black ball trying to knock down a bunch of rednecks.

Black Parrot

A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.

Magical River

A black family of four hears about a magical river that can turn them white if they swim across so they go and the dad and mom swim across, and they come out white, the dauhter jumps in and swims across and she turn white, so the son trys to swim but the current takes him and the little girl goes up to dad and goes, daddy daddy Kobe just got taken by the current and the dad says, "Ah, fuck that nigger".

Another Black One-liners

Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans?
A: The black ones steal your watch.

Q: How do you start a black parade?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.

Q: Why do blacks burry their dead upside down?
A: Use em as bike racks.

Q: How did they improve the transportation in harlem?
A: Move the trees closer together.

Q: What did the black girl say while having sex?
A: Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.

Q: Why are black people like jelly beans?
A: No one likes the black ones.

Q: What do you call a school bus full of black people?
A: A rotten banana

Q: What was the only thing missing from the million man march?
A. An auctionner

Q: How long does it take a black lady to shit?
A: 9 months.

Q: What do you call 100 black guys baried from the neck down?
A: Afroturf.

Q: Why are blacks afried of lawnmovers?
A: Beacuse it gose run nigger nigger run.

Q: What do you call a barn full of blacks?
A: Antique farm equipment.

Q: What do u call a black priest?
A: Holy shit

Q: What does the BFI on the dumpsters stand for?
A: Black Family Inside

Q: Have you ever seen a black person on the jetsons?
A: NO. Looks like a good future doesn't it?

Q: What do you call a black person in a three piece suit?
A: Will the defendent please rise.

Q: What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your tv starts to float?
A: You turn on the lights and shoot the black people.

Q: What do you call 20,000 black people at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road?
A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: Why are black people so good at Basketball?
A: Cause all you have to do is RUN ... SHOOT ... and STEAL

Q: What do you do if you see a black man flopping around on the ground?
A: Stop laughing and reload

Q: What Do You call Mike Tyson if he has no arms or legs?
A: Nigger, Nigger, Nigger!!!!

Q: What do you call a group of blacks in the ocean?
A: An oil spill

Q: What do you call a pool full of black kids?
A: Cocoa puffs

Q: What do you call a 80 year old black guy?
A: Antique farm equipment.

Q: Why do police dogs lick their balls?
A: To get the taste of negro out of thier mouths

New White Kid

There is this black kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his ass, and says alright go show your mother. Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the shit out of him then says go show your gradma. Hey gradma look im white she beats his ass and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this? The kid says yeah ive learned i have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 niggers.

Black One Liners

Q: Why are aspirins white?
A: Because they work.

Q: How did the black girl know her mother was on the rag?
A: Her brothers dick tasted funny.

Q: What has six legs and goes: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"?
A: Three blacks running for the elevator.

Q: What's the definition of the word "Confusion"?
A: Father's day in Harlem.

Q: Do you know why so many blacks were killed in Vietnam?
A: Because every time the seargeant said: "Get down!" they stood up and started dancing.

Q: What did God say when he saw the first black person?
A: Ooops, I burnt one!

Q: Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time?
A: He doesn't know he's black.

Q: Blacks took over Toys R us.
A: The renamed it to We B toys.

Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant.
A: It's called Nacho Mama.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a black person?
A: A Snowblower that Doesn't work!

Q: What do you call an Negro with a peg leg?
A: Shit on a stick.

Q: What does an apple and a Negro have in common?
A: They both look soooo pretty hanging from a tree.

Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: Put his food stamps in his work boots.

Q: Why don't blacks like Tylenol?
A: They have to pick cotton to get to them.

Q: What did the black women get for getting an abortion?
A: Fat cash from crime stoppers.

Q: What does a black person get for Christmas?
A: Your bike!!!

Q: How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
A: Hang one in the front!!

Q: What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do you never hit a black on a bike?
A: Because it is probably your bike.

Q: Why are black people so tall?
A: Because their knee grows.

Q: Why do black people wear hats covering their face?
A: So the birds don't shit on their lips.

Q: What is white with a black asshole?
A: The A-Team

Q: How many black people does it take to single a roof?
A: Depends on how thin you slice um.

Q: How many black people does it take to pave a road?
A: Depends on how heavy the roller is.

Q: When is the only time u concentrate on a black man.
A: Behind the eyepiece of your rifle.

Q: What's the difference between batman and a blackman?
A: Batman can go to the store with out robin.

Q: What's the difference between shit and a black?
A: Eventually Shit turns white and stops stinking.

Q: Is it better to be born black or gay?
A: Black - because you don't have to tell your folks.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: An interracial couple in a car wreck.

Q: How many blacks does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, it's a woman's job.

Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?
A: Don't scream or I'll kill you.

Q: How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
A: Ever try and take a rib from a black.

Q: Who won the race down the tunnel, the black or the Pole?
A: The Pole because the black had to stop to write "motherfucker" on the wall.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
A: 6 more weeks of basketball season.

Q: Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?
A: Because of the pubic hair on their heads.

Q: Did you hear about the new black French restaurant?
A: It's called Chez What.

Q: What did Lincoln say after his five day drunk?
A: I freed whom.

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: The unemployment line.

Q: Why don't blacks like blowjobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black prostitute with a Chinese woman?
A: A broad that sucks shirts.

Q: Why do blacks raise chickens?
A: To teach their kids how to walk.

Q: How do you make a black nervous?
A: Take him to an auction.

Q: What do you call a black prostitute with braces?
A: A black and Decker pecker wrecker.

Q: What do you call a black test tube baby?
A: Janitor in a drum.

Q: Why do blacks smell so bad?
A: So the blind can hate them too.

Q: How did they invent break dancing?
A: Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

Q: Why did God invent golf?
A: So white people could dress up like blacks.

Q: What do you call a black man in Thailand?
A: A tycoon.

Q: Why do blacks keep their fly's open?
A: In case they have to count to eleven.

Q: What do you call a black man in a tree?
A: A branch manager.

Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Father's day.

Q: Who are the two most famous black women in history?
A: Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fucker.

Q: How do you stop a black baby from crying?
A: Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.

Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

Q: What do you call 4 blacks in a 57 chevy?
A: Blood vessel.

Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?
A: So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.

Q: What is black and has four legs and goes Hol De Doe, Hol De Doe?
A: Two blacks running for the elevator.

Q: Why did God invent the climax?
A: So blacks would know when to stop fucking.

Q: Why did so many blacks get killed in the war?
A: When the Colonel yelled get down, they all got up and danced.

Q: What's the definition of worthless?
A: A 7'2" black man with a small prick, that can't play basketball.

Q: What do you call a black with a new bike?
A: A thief.

Q: What do you call a black with a new caddie?
A: A better thief.

Q: Why don't black kids jump on their beds?
A: Because they'll stick to the velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get them down once they're stuck?
A: Tell Mexican kids they're pinatas.

Q: Did you hear about Klu Klux Kneivel?
A: He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller.

Q: How can you tell when a black as been on your computer?
A: It is not there.

Q: What do you call a black with no arms?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why do black women where high heels?
A: So their knuckles don't drag.

Q: What do you call a black guys condom?
A: A duffle bag.

Q: Why are black guys eyes red after sex? A: From the pepper spray.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10,000 black guys?
A: Warden.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
A: The quarterback.

Q: Whats wrong with 5 blacks driving a Cadillac off of a cliff?
A: The car holds 6.

Q: How do you get a black man out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What do you call a black person on birth-control?
A: Crime prevention.

No Mexicans Please

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

Black Hair

The black dude walked into the house to see his wife dancing seductively in front of him. "Hey babe," he said. "Where'd you get that grass skirt?" "That aint no grass skirt," she replied. "I had my hair straightened."

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Black And His Son

A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight theres a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. "We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the back of the plane, we'll start in alphabetical order. Will all african americans please stand up and move to the back of the plane". The Son stands up and the father says "sit down." "Will all black people please stand up and goto the back of the plane." The Son stands up father says "sit down." "Will all cloured people please stand up and move to the back of the plane." The Son stands up the father says "sit down." The son then says "But dad, if were not african americans, blacks, or coloured, what are we?" "Today were Niggers son."